Abuse comes in many forms; I was used to two forms of it by the time I left home. However, abuse can do other things to the one being abused that the perpetrator doesn’t know they are inflicting at the time of their intended abuse.
They scar their victim for life and they make their victim feel like they are broken and worthless.
I knew the feeling very well.
You see my mother was one of my abuser; if you asked her she would tell you she never laid a finger on me but her abuse was of the verbal and emotional kind. She told me from as young as I can remember that I was worthless to her and she wishes I was never born, she said I ruined her to find the perfect man that would take care of her the proper way, not the way my worthless father could take care of her.
Yeah we were poor but my dad loved her and me with his whole heart. I knew for sure that I loved him the same way back.
He was how I learned how to turn the other cheek from the verbal and emotional abuse given to me at the hands of my mother.
I never told anyone, until I was much older, what she did or said to me. My dad heard it but Corbett had his own problems caused by her and we never spoke about it to each other or anyone else.
I was raised with proper Christian values and I knew better than to speak out about my abusive parent to anyone including the pastor of our church. So I grew up knowing how to keep my mouth shut and how to turn the other cheek.
If my father could do it and live a good life then so could I.
It was during high school that I met my future husband, Preston Pardloe, he was my everything and I fell hard. I mistook his possessive nature as a good thing, I felt honored that he loved me and cared enough about me that he wanted me in his life.
I thought he was THE ONE.
When I was accepted to LSU in Shreveport I was ecstatic, I was able to follow my dreams of becoming a Music teacher through the course study of education-and-human-development. I had always dreamed of becoming a teacher; I obtained a full ride scholarship due to my good grades in high school, which helped me out a lot, I could live on campus and go home on weekends if daddy needed me.
Preston followed me there too but ended up going home after 2 years since all he wanted to do was party… However, by leaving school he was never able to get a good paying job and I think that was one of our biggest issues.
Since I lived on campus I had a received a new roommate every year, it was during year two when I got my best friend for life. Her name was Amelia Broadway and I loved her like a sister. She was the only other person that knew about what daddy and I went through with my mother and I appreciated her more for her confidentiality on the matter.
The only reason she found out is because midway through our sophomore year my mother passed away in a horrible car accident. Amelia didn’t understand why I didn’t want to go home for the funeral or take time off from school; so I set down with her and told her about my childhood and my mother… Amelia asked me why I never called Michelle, mom or momma or mommy and I let her know the reason why was due to a directive given by Michelle to me when I was six years old; I was not allowed because I didn’t have the privilege to call her that, I was unwanted and since she didn’t want me it meant that the only thing she was to me was a biological parent, no more.
Amelia said she understood but I really don’t think she did, no one can understand something like that unless you go through it yourself…
She didn’t understand the hurt I felt around my heart and to my psyche… She couldn’t comprehend that I was broken and no one could ever fix me.
I was happy being Preston’s because he wanted me in his life for reasons I couldn’t understand and I appreciated him more and more.
The next two years flew by, I graduated and I was happy with my life and how it had finally turned out.
I had thought I was going to live the perfect life.
I was going back home to Bon Temps and I was going to get a good job at our hometown school and I was going to live my dream but then life happened again and my daddy died of a broken heart and I was devastated.
I leaned on Preston more than ever and that is when he asked me to marry him. I had thought at the time that he loved me as much as I did him but that wasn’t the truth.
He wanted my daddy’s house, it had acreage around it and it was paid for. He didn’t want to have to work hard for his money and he felt with having a home with me bought and paid for would be his ticket to a good life.
I didn’t know that was what he wanted until about seven months into our marriage when I caught him cheating on me with the town whore. I turned the other cheek just like my daddy taught me to and went on with my life.
I loved my job at our towns school. I loved teaching the children about music and I thought they loved me too.
A few more years went by and I thought my life was good, that was until l I heard some of the older girls talking in the restroom about me being a total loser because I couldn’t keep my own husband happy and in my bed; so why should they listen to me when I taught them.
By that time I had started to ignore all the signs, I went on with life and made peace with myself, my theory was that if he didn’t love me he would have left me a long time ago, that he wanted me in his life so he stayed.
Truth be told all he wanted was to free load and have a good time.
This was about the same time Amelia tried an intervention.
She started taking me out with her while she did her errands and to work functions so I could have a social life.
It was at one of these functions that I met HIM, Eric Northman.
He was a great guy, everything you dream about and more. We hit it off right away; we gravitated towards one another like two magnets. But it all came crashing down when I was hit on the head by an obsessive fan girl.
I didn’t realize until a day later that he was the one at the hospital with me and he took care of me for one more day while I was there. He said he felt obligated since I wouldn’t have been hurt otherwise.
Preston never showed up, he told Amelia that the hospital could take care of me because that is what they were there for.
He would see me when I got home.
In the meantime, Eric and I became closer and he wanted me to stay with him so that he could take care of me. I told him thank you, but No, I was married and it was inappropriate. He tried to push me on it for about two weeks, but he was gentleman enough that he backed off when I didn’t relent.
I was a married woman, my marriage didn’t amount to much, I had a lying cheating bastard of a husband but I took a set of marriage vows on my wedding day and I will be damned if I fail at my marriage too like I had failed about my adult life and childhood.
After about two months into our friendship I realized I was becoming way too attracted and attached to him and I knew it was wrong, so I did the only thing I knew to be right.
I pushed him away and hard.
I ignored his calls; I didn’t go out with Amelia anymore when she was going to her work functions. I became a hermit; I only left the house to run my errands and to go to work.
It was also during the next month that I found out I was pregnant.
I knew I wasn’t too far along maybe a month or two because my sex life was sporadic at best. Since Preston was getting his sex on elsewhere I was left to my own devices; you know sex toys given to me by Amelia.
It was around the fifth month of our friendship that I knew that I needed to disappear from Eric and his co-worker Alcide lives all together. I would end up hurting Eric and possibly Alcide in the long run.
I loved having them as my friends and having a males strength when I needed it but I knew I wasn’t doing Eric any favors by staying around and messing with his heart by being in his life; I kept hearing in the back of my mind my mother saying I was no good, the baby was no good and I should be happy someone was willing to marry me.
I didn’t need to ruin Eric’s life too since mine was already broken.
It was during this final month that I pushed away completely from everyone. I didn’t even tell Amelia I was pregnant, I just let her think I was anti-social and wanted to stay home with my husband.
It was the following month or six months after I met him that I found out Eric moved on to a new job and state, I didn’t understand why, Amelia couldn’t explain it to me, so I labeled this as the one that got away and for good reasons.
I don’t know why I was questioning his motives to move on, I had no right; I pushed him away though I still missed him. I missed him more than he would ever know, he was the one I thought of when I woke up and he is the one I said goodnight to when I lay down to sleep.
I had sometimes thought that this was our baby OR I had hoped it was our baby so that he or she would be loved by both parents; but Eric and I did not have that type of relationship, it was a just a good daydream to have.
When I told Preston about the baby he asked me if the father knew, he was implying Eric was the father, I told him that I was telling him now; he just grunted at me and walked away. Like I said before our sex life was sporadic.
Life went on.
I was in my eighth month of pregnancy when I became an insomniac, it was during that time that I would go out driving to clear my head and it was on one of those drives that I lost the baby boy that I was carrying.
I was t-boned by a drunk driver and rushed to the hospital.
I found out later, Preston was driving the other car and the police wanted to know if I wanted to press charges since they couldn’t save my baby during surgery.
I told the police officer no, it was my fault I shouldn’t have been out. It was after the accident that my life turned upside down.
Preston became more distant and spent less time at home.
I had a nervous breakdown and had to take a medical leave from school, the leave lasted two years.
It was during this time that I met my psychiatrist Claudine Crane; she helped me realize that Preston was abusing me too.
The abuse of power over my psyche.
She told me that Preston realized early on in our relationship that I was dependent on him for love and he used it against me.
Once my daddy had died he use the abuse of his influence over me to get me to marry him, which I was more than willing to comply to. Once in the marriage he abused the influence he had over our marriage vows to hold me in a loveless marriage.
She told me that the love I felt for him was not love but gratitude towards him for letting me stay in his life, for being needed and wanted by someone other than my daddy. I needed that love and acceptance so that I could cope through every day, so I ignored all the signs of an abusive relationship that were right there in front of my eyes, I only needed to take the blinders off to see what was going on.
Claudine told me there are six types of abuse that most people face: physical, emotional, verbal, economic, mental, and sexual.
It took close to three years of sessions with Claudine for me to come to the understanding that, I was in an abusive relationship with my husband, he may have never hit me, never said unkind words to me, never issued sexual assaults against my body, never shamed me in front of others; only behind my back by sleeping with other woman, he never used money as a ploy, and he never called me a liar and a cheat. However, he did abuse me in the fact that he had POWER over my fragile psyche and I had allowed it to grow and fester until my mind couldn’t take it anymore and shut down.
Claudine helped me find myself and helped me get my job back with the school. I stayed there for about another year and decided I needed to end the fiasco I called my marriage since it wasn’t helping me in the long run and I didn’t want to relapse and be that person I now despised…
So I meet Preston at my lawyer Sid Matt Lancaster’s office to talk about divorce. He says he doesn’t want it; our wedding vows are our wedding vows. I am amazed at his nerve, it is then that I offer up my family home to be signed over to him in full, that I will leave the state and my life to give him what he always wanted, my homestead which doesn’t include me in it.
However, if he agrees to that I have two stipulations before I will sign over my property to him; he has a Last Will and Testament drawn up that very day, saying if anything happens to him that the property automatically gets turned back over to me and the second stipulation is that he gets a vasectomy, so that no bastard children from any of his many dalliances can get a hold of my families property. I know I have no right to ask for the second one but I know I hold the power here and he never wanted children, WIN/WIN.
He agrees and asks for the paperwork that day.
Sid Matt speaks up and says that the vasectomy has to be done first before any paperwork is signed. So they discuss when the surgery can be done and Sid Matt says he will take him to the hospital so that it can be done and he is a witness to it. Then and only then the divorce paperwork will be filed along with the name change on the homesteads deed.
Preston is so greedy to get his hands on the property that he agrees to everything. The only thing is being the smart lawyer he is Sid Matt puts a codicil in the agreement about the property; that NO acreage is to be sold off, the house can not to be sold off either, if Preston tries to sell the property it will automatically revert back to me.
Sookie has no doubt the property will be hers again, time is on her side.
Preston was stupid enough not to read the final paperwork and just signed it; he didn’t even want his own attorney to read over the agreement and his LWAT, he figured he had everyone and everything right where he wanted it.
He was a fool.
I was starting to feel vindicated and my life was actually starting to be mine. I was no longer a turtle with my life, I held my head high and I was going to get what I wanted for once in my life.
Within a week Preston surgery was finalized and the paperwork was filed. Even though it would be six months before the divorce was final, Sookie knew she needed to move on; she started looking online and found a teaching job in Florida which would be hers come the new school year, she only had to wait for another four months and her new life could begin.
Amelia helped me move my meager belongings to Blountstown, Florida. She wasn’t happy about me leaving her behind but she understood why I needed to do it. Ames also promised she would not tell anyone where I was moving to so that I could start fresh and NO ONE could hunt me down and hurt me again.
My new life was going to begin and I would no longer have any ghosts to haunt me.
All was well in Blountstown for another 5 years, I was happy. I found a nice little house that I bought, it was a 2 bedroom, 1.5 bathrooms on a small lot but it was enough for me and if Amelia visited her bedroom was always ready. The best part was the open kitchen and dining area, I would be able to cook and set up my computer and piano in the same room… I loved it.
I was still single, had a great job and I had a few friends from work. I was leading a quiet life.
I was still an insomniac but I had a great life, I was listening to the radio one night like I always did to pass the time and then I thought I heard a familiar voice, could it actually be him or was I fooling myself?