Chapter 01: Fifty

Wow fifty; I turn fifty in less than a week; I will be a half century old … Where has the time flown? I have had a good life.  I had a beautiful wife, Felicia and I have three gorgeous kids; Godric, Isabel and Joseph.  I have a wonderful job and career.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

But I have come to regret one thing.

Sookie

She was never mine to regret or to have but she touched my heart so many years ago that she has once again been brought to the forefront of my mind.  I saw her the other day and I was taken back, she looks the same like she hasn’t aged a year, she is two years younger than me, you can see my grays starting to show but I didn’t see one on her.   All I could think is she must be home because Gran is sick and she needs to be here for her.

NOT ME    

I was jealous.

Once Sookie left all those years ago she never came back.  I know from Jason that after she got her PHD she moved to Texas and never considered coming back. Not even when Jason got married to Michelle which I thought was odd but he accepted it.

Anyway, let me explain,  I am not having a mid life crisis as my daughter Isabel has claimed, no I am just remembering  things that I should have followed through on years ago before I married her mother.

 I have my sports car, motorcycle and bachelor life and I am fine with that.

My car is a cherry red corvette which I have had since high school, she is my baby just like my kids; I call her “Pam” and no not after my pretentious snob of a sister Pamela, if you ask Pamela I did it to cause her grief.  Actually when I bought the car I looked at her and said “Pam” and it stuck…Go figure…

My motorcycle, I didn’t get until after Felicia passed away 15 years ago from ovarian cancer.  It was a long struggle during her bout with cancer and Felicia asked me to do something special for myself; she told me to go get the motorcycle I always wanted so I did, I named her “Cleo”.

My house I live in now is the house I bought with Felicia after we got married and saved up some money to buy our dream home.  It was a ranch style home until we added on the upstairs addition for our growing family.  After her death I never felt the urge to sell it, it was a part of her that I still had and I was willing to keep that part of her with me so I would stay grounded.

Felicia was my wife, best friend and soul mate.  I only strayed on her once and that was before we had become engaged; there is where my one regret lies.   I don’t regret what happened but I regret not following through with a memory I gleamed after that person walked out of my life forever.

Flashback

We were kids and we lived in the same parish.  We might not have come from the same financial means but it didn’t matter we were all friends.  We were drawn together for our love of football.

We met our freshman year of school and never parted ways until after college. Well let me say most of us stayed friends, all but one.

It was two months into our school year and a new student arrived.  The funny part was she didn’t move here, she already lived here but the school board decided since this girl was on genius levels of schooling that they would skip her two grades so that she did not lose her gift of knowledge by being with children below her caliber of thinking.  Sookie was a brilliant student; her thirst for knowledge is what led her to be accelerated two grade levels.  It embarrassed Jason but it also made him proud.

We were a tight nit group but we brought her into our fold.   Jason, Alcide and I were on the football team and the girls were cheerleaders and Sookie just sat on the sidelines to cheer us on.    None of us started dating until our junior year; it was more a less just a group of kids hanging out.  There were five of us to start (Felicia, Michelle, Jason, Alcide and me) then when Sookie was added into the mix there were six.

In junior year we ended up pairing off only because Jason fell hard for Michelle and I had come to like and admire Felicia.  So that left Alcide to pair off with Sookie.  We knew they liked one another but never took it too far; they were our fifth wheels so to speak but enjoyed each other company so they never felt like the odd man out.  It was our senior year that Alcide asked Sookie to be his girl; she said yes and we assumed they would be together just like the rest of us.  It was a secret they shared but no one ever suspected anything.   We would find out later that it was all a ruse but not until we graduated from college.

Our senior year of school we had all set down to discuss college.  We wanted to be together so that our college life would be memorable and unchanged from our high school years.   So we started looking for a college that we could all attend together.  We first searched Louisiana but didn’t find a college that met all of our needs.  Sookie was the hold out; she knew where she wanted to go since she was a freshman.  It was the best school for her degree until she went forward for her Masters and PHD.   So we all looked into her school, Perdue University in Indiana.  Felicia and Michelle agreed it would be a great adventure to get out of Louisiana so they found that Perdue offered a major in their chosen field of study, Art History.   Jason chose Athletics, Alcide chose Civil Engineering and I went for a dual major, Criminal Justice/ Law & Society.  As for our little Sookie, her major was Biotechnology.

Senior year we had a great time.  I know for a fact Jason and I lost our virginity to our girls but Alcide never said a word.  He was very tight lipped about his and Sookie’s relationship and we respected that.  Plus Jason said he couldn’t bear to hear about their sexual exploits since she was his baby sister and all…  We were all accepted to Perdue and all of us had received scholarships.  We three guys got in with football scholarship and the girls were there through cheerleading… It was funny that Sookie was the only one of us to get a FULL ride for her four years for academics, she was our valedictorian at school and we were all proud of her.

As we got ready for college there was a bit of a shift in our dynamics but it wasn’t noticeable unless you looked real hard.

 I caught on our junior year in college, but didn’t say anything.

 We were all still paired off as couples which helped us through the tough years at college.  We all shared a rented house except for Sookie she lived on campus in a dorm, she still spent time at the house but she didn’t live there, she was there for school and that was her priority.   Alcide accepted this and did not feel the need for her to be with him all the time so they actually got along a lot better than most couples including Jason, Michelle, Felicia and Me.  Living in the same house caused a few rifts but we got through them.

It was at the end of our senior year when I became aware of why Sookie and Alcide didn’t talk much about sex; you only saw them kiss delicately on each other’s cheek and hold hands.

Alcide and I got drunk the last week of school as finals were winding down and it was a week before graduation for all six of us.  It was then that he confessed his secret that Sookie had known all along, that he was gay and hiding it.  She helped him find himself and did not judge him; he was hoping to hell Jason and I didn’t either.  He told me that Sookie was going to tell Jason and he was to tell me.   It was the shift I felt many years ago, I should have realized it when I saw it but I was too involved in my own world…  He also told me that Sookie does love him as her best friend but she is in love with another and has been for some time but it was she that would have to say who that was.  Since she held his secrets, he was holding hers.

I thought it was a sweet gesture and I racked my brain to figure out when Sookie had the time to date someone else or meet someone else to fall in love.  I suspected one of her professors but I didn’t want to think that was who it was.   I would let her tell me if she felt I was worthy.   She talked to me more than the others even Jason but she never shared her secrets and I was okay with that.

It was after our college graduation and we were throwing a party at our house that I found out who Sookie was in love with and for how long.

Sookie asked me if she could talk to me a minute so I looked around for Felicia to tell her I was going to go into our room with Sookie so that she could talk to me privately however when I found her she was passed out on the couch with Michelle.

 Sookie then pulled me aside to let me know about her secret, she was a little drunk so I think the liquid courage is why she told me otherwise I think she would have held this secret to her grave.

 She was extremely nervous and just blurted it out; she had been in love with me since our freshman year in high school and then kissed me with all of her might and passion.   She tried to run away after she finished but I pulled her back and looked into her eyes; they sparkled with a lust and want like I have never seen before.  She was alive and a force of nature but ashamed with what she wanted and for what she said; it hurt me to my very core that she was embarrassed by her feelings.

What I did next shocked me to my very soul.  I never gave Sookie much thought expect that she was the girlfriend of my friend and sister to my best friend.

 I pulled her into my arms and kissed her, I kissed her with all the want and need I have to give.  I had never felt this alive when I kissed Felicia who I knew I loved but at the moment that did not matter.  What mattered was Sookie and I needed her, I needed her more than I ever needed anyone.  She was like a star that was shooting through my life at that moment and I needed to grab onto her and hold tight before she disappeared.

 I knew she was leaving tomorrow to go to John Hopkins in Delaware to finish her studies, she had received another full ride for her Masters and PHD at the elite school and I was proud of her but at the moment I just needed her.

So I asked for permission from her for what I wanted.  She acknowledged for me to proceed with a nod back to me that she wanted it too.  I made sure numerous times before I proceeded, I knew she had been drinking and I wanted to make sure she would not regret this.

Her only response, Eric please I need you…. Please.

So I glided her gently to my bed and offered myself to her.  Yes I was cheating on Felicia but at the moment I didn’t care, I just needed this fiery spirit in front of me.

I took my time.  I prepared her in every way to take me…  I didn’t know until I was balls deep inside of her that I was her first and she cried out in pleasure and pain.   It was heartbreaking and heartwarming to know I was her first….. But the lust on her face spurned me on to make love to Sookie… She didn’t need to be fucked but cherished and loved and that is what we shared.

It wasn’t until the end that I realized I wasn’t protected and I only assumed Sookie was, I never asked her and I was too embarrassed to let her know that I had had unprotected sex with her…    I got a wash cloth and cleaned her and myself up.   It was then I noticed all the blood from her being a virgin.  I asked her if she was okay and she said never better.  She asked if it was okay if we snuggled for a while and I told her sure.

I had only ever slept or had sex with one person and now it was two but I was not ashamed and I knew I needed to tell Felicia, but having made love to Sookie felt right… There was nothing wrong with what I just did.   I would worry about the consequences tomorrow.  For now I had a beautiful girl in my arms to cherish and love for a very short time.

I had fallen asleep with Sookie snuggled into my chest, she fit just right, but when I woke it was Felicia who was next to me.

When the hell did that change?

Did I dream the sex with Sookie?

 Was it something I wanted and fantasized about?     NO it was very real and I knew it.

It was confirmed when I went into the bathroom and found the bloodied wash cloth….  I knew I had to tell Felicia but I figured today was not the day.

As I got cleaned up I made the decision to speak to Sookie before she left…. I needed to make sure we were still okay as friends.    I went to Alcide’s room and knocked on the door, I knew he was an early riser even when we drank and he told me to come on in.  I expected to see Sookie with him but he was alone.

Before I could ask anything he told me he knew what happened.  He said that Sookie was trying to sneak out of my room last night but he caught her and brought her into his room to talk.  She told him everything about what she said and what happened between us.  She told Alcide that she knew it was wrong to want me so damn much but she needed me to know she loved me and she didn’t want to be a virgin for the rest of her life and she knew I loved her as a friend so it made complete sense to her.  She would never regret it as she hoped I would not regret it either.

I told Alcide I would never regret it.  Yes I cheated on Felicia and it was wrong but everything that had happened last night was perfect and meant to be.  I would cherish the memory.

Alcide told me he would keep my secret as long I kept his and he hoped when he came out to the world I would be beside him as a friend when he did.

I asked him where Sook was and he said she already left.  She was showering when he woke up and she asked for him to tell everyone goodbye and she would miss them.

I was a bit shocked that she left so early, I thought Jason said she was leaving this afternoon… I asked Alcide what was up with that and he said, man, she couldn’t face you today and she didn’t want to hurt Felicia so she felt the best thing was just to disappear into the morning and no one would be the wiser.

I was pissed.  I needed to talk to her.  I needed to tell her I wanted her in my life still. Even though I was with Felicia I needed her too.  I knew that feeling this way was wrong but I didn’t care.  I would figure it out.

I felt abandoned by her; but I didn’t feel used.

I knew I was loved and I gave her a gift no one else could. Her first sex partner was with someone who cared and respected her and that would be special for both off us for the rest of our lives.

Alcide let me know that he would tell her when she called that I wanted to talk to her but he suggested it be when she was ready.  So I told him I would wait.

Well that talk never came.

We all left and went back home.  We remained friends and adjusted our lives to meet the grueling days of our new jobs and lives.   We all remained friends except for Sookie; I found out years later that she still spoke to Alcide but never wanted to speak to the rest of us, she said we had our lives and she was no longer a part of it and she felt that if she tried to get back into our lives it would mess everything up.

I didn’t understand it but I allowed it.  What else was I suppose to do.

It was rather odd to me when Sookie didn’t even attend Jason and Michelle’s wedding two years later.  Jas just said she was busy with work and her family and couldn’t get away.  It was the first I ever heard of a family so I pressed on but Jason just told me to drop it.

I let it drop, but when I saw Gran at the wedding I asked her.  She told me Sookie had finished school and had two beautiful baby twin boys named Jackson and Jake; she lived outside Dallas and had a great job at a research facility; she visited them frequently as it was tough for Sookie to get away from her job.  She was engaged to be married to a man named Preston Pardloe but she didn’t think it would get as far as a wedding.  Preston was upset because the boys were not his and she would not tell him who their father was; she told him it was none of his business just an old friend and to leave it at that.

I never asked their age; it never occurred to me that they could be mine.  We had only slept together once and what were the odds on a one time fling producing twin boys.   Gran didn’t press on as Alcide approached.

I asked him later if he knew of Sookie boys and all he said was yes.  She named one after his dad because he would never have children and the other ones name was because she liked the name.  He elaborated that he was the godfather to both of the boys.  Another secret he held for her.  I was truly amazed at how close these two were and what secrets they kept for one another.

No matter, I had a life and she didn’t want to be a part of it. I would have our memory of our time and I moved on.

It was a couple of weeks later that I told Felicia we needed to talk.  She was visibly upset but she said okay.   I sat her down in the living room and told her I loved her and wanted to ask for her hand in marriage but I needed her to know of a secret that I had been keeping and if it was a deal breaker to marriage I would understand.

I told her that I had cheated on her during college and it was a onetime thing, that I never saw the girl again after that night.   I never told her Sookie’s name, I didn’t think it would matter one way or another and she didn’t ask.  She told me she was mad but she understood, we were not engaged at the time that we were in college and living the college experience she would let this one time slide but if it ever happened again she would end our relationship in a heartbeat.

I was in awe of this woman that I loved.  She accepted me for all of my faults and there were many.

 We were married the following year and Godric came a year later, then Isabel and finally Joseph six years later.

It was after Joseph was born that they found cancer on her ovaries but had removed it and with chemo treatments she was in remission.

We were hopeful and had a great life.

Life went on; I was made Chief of Police about eight years into my job.   I love being a cop and it gave me the time to be with my family and have family moments.  But when Felicia got sick it rocked me to my core.  I didn’t know if I would make it through, the kids were still young and I had the support of my friends and family but I was losing my best friend.  Felicia became very ill when our oldest turned nine years old; it was a very rough time for him and he blamed Joseph for his mom getting sick… Godric always told everyone if Joseph wasn’t born his mom would still be alive.  He couldn’t understand that it was because of Joseph they found the cancer to begin with.

It took Felicia sitting down with Godric and telling him that it was no one’s fault that she became ill.  It was her time to go and she was accepting of it. That she was put on this earth to love their father, her husband and to have their three children whom she loved very much and will miss when she is gone.  However when he felt sad and needed to talk all he had to do was sit on his bed and talk to her and she would be sitting by his side to listen.

Like I said she was my rock and I will miss that.

It was a year later almost to the day of her explanation to Godric that the cancer took her away from me and the kids.  I now had to be their rock since she was gone.

The new chapter of our life started without her.