Chapter 04: Well Hell

“Sookie, do you still love me?”

She didn’t hesitate.

“Yes”

What I did next justified a lot of things randomly flying through my mind after she answered me.

I leaped out from my chair and ran over to the couch.  I pulled her into my arms and she sagged into my chest and cried.  I knew she didn’t want me to know that she still loved me.  I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice but I knew she would never lie to me about it either.

I’m not defending what she did.  Nor am I justifying what she did was right, but for the first two years of our boys lives she was hit with obstacles and she surpassed them with a strong iron will and she moved on.  She made a life for herself and our boys to the best of her ability.  I was proud of her right in that moment, I might still be unhappy with her choices and dismissal of my feelings about our sons but I understood she did what she thought was best but I knew she had more to say, I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her voice. I did not want to judge her for the hard decisions she made and why she made them.  I needed to move her along in the story so that I could find out what other obstacles had gotten in her way over the last 28 years.

I decided then and there I was not leaving the couch, call me a pussy but she needed my strength for her to finish the story…. I can hear the shakiness in her voice, she is a strong stubborn woman and I am sure she would be leaning on Alcide for support if he was here but it’s just me and I am going to enjoy it while I can.

In fact it might be the very last time this beautiful woman ever lets me touch her again. I knew then that my feelings for her were more than lust or heavy like but were they love?

So being the gentleman I am, I asked her if she wanted me to move, she shook her head no and she sobbed a little more.  My work shirt was ruined but I didn’t care, it could be washed.  I took my hand from her shoulder and used my index and middle finger to raise her chin up so that I could see her eyes.

They were a deep blue despite them being filled with tears.

I hated to see her cry.

I sighed and then leaned over and kissed her on the forehead, then her left cheek, then her right cheek and finally on her soft lips.  I don’t know why I did it but it felt right.  She deepened my kiss and they only reason it stopped was because we both needed to breathe,  she whimpered a bit when I pulled away.

I was on fire; my insides were burning with passion and desire.

My emotions were all over the place, my heart raced, my dick moved in ways it hasn’t moved since the last time I was with her, I knew we needed to stop and move on but I needed her right then and there.  I needed to feel her next to me and I needed her to tell me again that she loved me so that I could respond in kind but if I did would she continue with her story or would I have to wait.

I knew then where my feelings lie, but would I have the chance to tell her before she stormed out of my life again.

 I knew we had been talking for a while but I also knew we needed to keep going or we would never finish.

I took a deep breath and sighed, “Sookie look at me.  Say it again please.  Tell me you mean it, please. Tell me.  I have missed you so much, tell me woman, tell me.”

“Eric, I love you, I have loved you for a very long time and no matter what happens after today I will love you forever and always, for all eternity until I am old and gray because you Eric Northman are the love of my life and I was a fool to run from you the first time.  I will not do it again. You are the father of my children and that means more to me than you will ever know.  I have not been with many men but you broke me that first day you made love to me, you broke me for any other man.  If you find it in your heart to forgive me after I finish my story I will never run away from you again.  I missed you, I asked about you all the time and Alcide would tell me, he hid some stuff from me but he would tell me about you and your children.  I was very proud of you when you were elected Sheriff, I love you my love, and I missed you every day for the past 28yrs.  I was such a fool and did foolish things for the right reasons but now I regret them in my heart and I may have killed anything that could possibly happen between us because of my actions.  I am so sorry, please forgive me.”

I didn’t know how to respond yet.

I wanted to respond in kind.

I wanted to throw her down on my couch and make love to her for the second time in 28 years.

I needed her to know how I felt but I also needed her to finish her story because I have a feeling it would get much worse before it gets better.

But my lower half was thinking quicker than my heart or my head.

That being said, I laid her back on my office couch and kissed her with all the passion I still had left in my body and I dry humped her as I did.  I felt like a teenager all over again.  I was so hard and my groin area ached, she woke something up in me that I haven’t felt in 28yrs.  What kind of hold did she have over me?  I was bewitched and I needed her.  I needed her now, be damn someone walking into my office, my groin was on fire and the heat coming off of her was like nothing I have ever felt before.

I have never had a lover who felt like this or made me feel like this since the last time we were together.

So what did I do next, I acted like a teenager, I palmed her breasts.  I traced my hand over her mound and I heard her whimper, Eric, please, more… It was like a green light in my head, I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to realize we should have held off but neither of us could control ourselves at the moment.  There was a burning, an ache and we needed to stroke it and put it out. Within seconds I had her top off and I was working on her bottoms as she worked on my top and bottoms at the same time.

Like the first time we had no protection and neither of us was thinking it through properly but I didn’t care and I don’t think she did either.

I started out gentle and made love to this beautiful woman underneath me.  Her face was pure pleasure and I could see her getting close to orgasm.  She started to rock her hips and it started to push me over the edge but I wasn’t going to finish first, I wanted us to go together, I needed us to go over the edge together as we started together.  I reached down and rubbed circles on her clit and I felt her contracting on my cock, it felt glorious, she was already so tight but her spasms made it feel even tighter and better.  When she started to yell out from her orgasm, I kissed her and swallowed her scream but she was unable to swallow my roar when I released inside of her.

It was then that we both realized we had sex in my office, on the office couch with no protection and if anyone was within earshot they knew it too.

I looked down at her and her face was blissfully beautiful…

She looked up at me and said, “I love you Eric Northman.  I do not regret that we just had unprotected sex, again, on your office couch.  I am not going to run away from you this time.  I love you, please tell me you love me too, tell me you mean it, and tell me you missed me as much as I missed you. Please say something.”

“Sook, I missed you every day that we have been apart, the first two years were the toughest, hell the first few months.  I should have gone after you, I told Alcide I wanted you in my life but I now know that things happened the way they did for a reason.  After Felicia’s death, I mourned her but I thought of you often, I thought of you on the anniversary of her death 12 years later when I found your card, it was then that I thought I lost you for good because it had been so long, Alcide led me to believe that you still loved me even then by a comment he made but I chose to ignore it.  He was a good friend to both of us because he didn’t choose sides and tried to help us both.  I think I love you Sookie Stackhouse and some part of me always has, you have always had a part of my heart, it has forever been yours, no one else has ever had it.  You bewitched me those 28 years ago and you have had me ever since.  I may have had a wife who I loved dearly and I have three great children from her but you my little minx have my heart, body and soul.  I love you and I will remind you of that ever day that you let me.  I want you in my life, I always have.  I love you and will scream it from the tallest mountain if I have to.  You have all of me, my love.  All of me…. I had forgiven you a long time ago for leaving me, but now I think I am able to forgive you for everything else because I think there were more hands in the pot of keeping you and my boys away from me than there should have been and I have a feeling one of those people is my deceased wife.   Sook, let’s get cleaned up and finish our talk, so I can go to the farmhouse and see our boys before I met up with my kids for dinner.”

“Eric”

“Sook, as for the unprotected sex, we are adults and whatever happens happens.”

“Eric, I have not been on the pill in over fifteen years that was the last time I had a relationship with a man. What if I get pregnant again?”

“Then we handle it the right way together.   Marry Me, Sookie. Please Marry Me!”

“Oh Eric, please let me finish before you ask me that kind of question. You might not like me anymore after what I have to say.”

“Sook, it won’t matter.  I love you and I have a feeling my dislike will be directed elsewhere, not at you.”

“Eric, I….”

“Sook, yes you can. Just say yes and the rest will be easy.”

“Eric, I want to say yes I have waited a long time to tell you yes but ask me again later. I don’t want you to regret asking me. Please”

“Okay it is tabled for now, but it will be asked again and properly.”

“Thank You Eric”

She looked up at me and said she was ready to start again, if I was ready to listen.

I nodded for her to continue but I never let her out of my grasp; I needed to feel her, I needed to know that she was real and she was really there talking to me.  I wanted her to stay in my lap but she turned and sat on her under turned legs and faced me but with her small hand still clasped in my large one.  I looked down at it and thought that it was a perfect fit, just like our bodies, just like our love making. Why hadn’t I noticed these things 28 years prior?  What had blinded me?  I think I did notice but I was pissed at her for leaving me and being the idiot I was I never went after her.

 She looked at me one more time and began the next segue of her life.

Flashback: Sookie is explaining what happened next in both of their life’s that led to more decisions.

“After my brother’s wedding he found out what Michelle had done, he made her apologize but she didn’t mean it. Then you went and got married and I figured you didn’t need to know about your boys, it was too late for us and I heard from Michelle that Felicia was pregnant with your first child.  But Michelle was still being nasty to me so Jason started coming to see me twice a year with Alcide to visit with the boys, Jas loved Michelle but he didn’t want her near my boys and he didn’t want her running back to Felicia with news on what I was up to.  By the time he had figured out that Michelle was pumping Alcide and Gran for my life’s information to feed to your wife it was too late.  He wasn’t happy about it and he told her if she didn’t stop their marriage would be over.  It was right after Godric was 1 years old that I got a letter from Felicia letting me know that you were happy with her and your son and you were expecting another child and to keep my bastard boys away from Bon Temps or else.

The letter hurt me to the very core and I showed it to Alcide.

He wanted to tell you about it but he decided against it since you were truly happy and he didn’t know how you would take the news that I had kept our boys from you.

It was also the second time Alcide asked me to marry him and I told him NO… I loved him but not like that and I didn’t think it was fair to him to marry me out of guilt.

Yes guilt over helping keep my secret from his best friend and guilt that he was lying to you about me and my life.

See we felt it best if we fed Michelle false information and we wanted to see how far it would go.  It was the incident that broke the camels back with Jason; he didn’t know that it was false information that he heard Michelle spill out to Felicia at a BBQ one Sunday afternoon but it pissed him off to no end.  Jason told her that he would move to Dallas to be with me and he would take their kids with him; he was done with her backstabbing ways and if she continued on the route she was going everything they had would be taken away from her because she cared more about her best friend then her family. 

I guess she finally stopped and things started to slow down for everyone, until we heard about Felicia being pregnant with your third child.

I was happy for you, you had been Police Chief for a year and you were happy with your life, a life without me and our boys.  I was happy myself to an extent but I always longed to be near you; but I had our boys and that was the best present that you had ever given to me.

I had a good job and it was everything I had ever hoped for and it was during a seminar that year that I ran into Pamela again.  She was shocked to see me there and was even more shocked to hear that I was one of the speakers; she didn’t realize that I had my Masters and PHD in Biotechnology and was even more shocked when she heard I was promoted to CEO of the research facility I worked for.  She had thought I was just another country bumpkin like the rest of your friends.  She said she was proud of me for escaping from Bon Temps like she did; she said she was glad she escaped and never looked back. 

That was also when I found out that Felicia was sick. 

She told me about the cancer and told me it was probably best if I stayed away from you right now because you needed to be strong for your family.  I knew she was right but I felt like I needed to be there for you.  It’s why I made a phone call to your house, I believe it was Godric that picked up the phone and gave it to Felicia, I am pretty sure she would have hung up on me otherwise but I could hear the kids chatting beside her so she was as polite as she could be.

I let her know that if there was anything I could do for her or your family to please let me know.  I would be willing to come back home to help out if need be.  Well that went over like a lead balloon, she accused me of wanting to come home to be with you and take you away from her and your children.  It was the furthest thing from my mind. I just wanted to help out your family and once again Alcide came to my rescue to pull me out of my funk over the whole thing.

It was then that I realized if I had stayed around she would have pushed me to move away or you would have taken my boys away from me because she wanted to be spiteful and I was unmarried.  I told Gran I wasn’t ever coming back to the old farmhouse again, I was afraid Felicia confided in you and you would take all I had left of us, my boys. She told me that she didn’t think you would do such a thing but she understood and she would make sure she visited me as much as possible and catch a ride with Alcide or Jason.

Again everything seemed to calm down for a while.  I stayed away; Jason, Alcide and Gran visited often and even Pamela came and visited and got to know her nephews a bit.  They actually enjoyed their aunts snarkiness and picked up a little of it from her.  You could tell she loved them but she also kept her distance, I think she was afraid to love them too much.  I never pushed her and let her float in and out of their life and they were okay with that.  They knew about you and they knew that Pamela was your sister and it was their way of being connected to you.  I know they would have loved to have known you and be a part of your life but I explained to them that I was afraid someone would take them away from me and neither of them wanted that so they were content with stories of you and Aunty Pam.

Funny thing is the boys got away with calling her that and she never corrected them. 

It was during that time that I had the boys tested for genius levels and found that like me that they were ahead so I put them in a special school so that they could be accelerated and go at their own pace, by the end of the first year they moved up two grades and each year after that they seemed to excel even more. I was very proud of them as Gran was.  They loved my field of study and would sit there for hours fawning over my medical books; they knew this stuff as well as I did. I think it is why they both chose the same field as me to study at college.

Anyway, I think two years later when I heard about her death when Alcide called me and told me.  He asked me if the boys and I could come home, everyone would be okay with me being there and I should be there for you.  He knew I still loved you and he used the right words to get me to come home but it was at the church service that I was being stared at by the good town folk and I could see the whispers about our boys and a few people were point blank asking me about Jake and Jackson and if you knew about them, I didn’t lie to them outright but I also told them it was none of their damn business.

Alcide wanted to sit with us in the back but I told him, Jason and Gran that you needed them more than me so I suffered in the back by myself but before you came towards the back when Felicia’s casket was carried out, I fled the church and went to Gran’s.  I knew how long it would take to get back to the cemetery so we ran home and changed and looked on from my families plot so I could be there for you.  You never saw me but I saw you and you were devastated, I knew me coming home was a bad idea.  So I went home and put my card with Gran’s, packed my car up with our belongings and the boys and made it back to Dallas in record time.  I cried most of the way, I told the boys I was sad for you and your kids but honestly I was pissed at myself for thinking that showing up for her funeral was a smart idea.

Alcide called me later on when he noticed I ran away again.  I told him I was done, you didn’t need my help, you had the help of so many others and it was not the time for me to confess my love for you again or throw our son’s at you.  I thought it was best to stay away and that is what I did.

I truly thought it was best.  I thought I would just cause more pain for you.  I thought it was in the best interest for everyone.  I was lying to myself again but it was what I needed to believe so that I could carry on without you. 

I knew from Gran that you saw the pictures of the boys at her house when you visited and your boys let you know they looked like you but you never connected the dots so I assumed I would be safe for years to come.   My family never told you about the boys because of all the grief it was causing not only for me but for them as well, plus with Felicia in the mix it didn’t help matters at all.

I told them numerous times I was afraid you would take my boys away from me and they assured me you wouldn’t but they never wanted to underestimate Felicia since she was nasty to me on the phone and she had Michelle spying on me until she passed away.  We knew Michelle was still pumping us for information but since Felicia was sick we let it slide. 

Time had passed and you were pulling yourself together and you confronted Alcide about the boys again.  He was hoping you would point blank ask him about the boys but you never did, you asked if they were his and you asked him about the father but you never asked him if they were yours.  He said numerous times if you had asked him he wouldn’t have denied you the truth, but you never did you just dropped it.  It was after this time that he asked me to move home again, he thought I would be good for you and I told him my life was in Dallas and that is where I intended to stay. I had thought if I returned I would have screwed up too many lives.

He wasn’t happy but he understood.  

It was a few years later when Alcide told me about the incident with the condolence cards.  I wanted to kick myself in the ass for writing what I did; I didn’t need to tell you any of that.  I should have just said my thoughts are with you but I wanted you so badly and I thought you should know I was still out there but since you never contacted me I thought I lost you for good.  Alcide said he made a smart ass comment to you but he didn’t know if you caught it or not.   You were a mess so he dropped it.

I gave up hope after that.  My life fell into a normal routine of work, home and our boys.  By this time our boys had already graduated from college with the same degree as me and had already earned their Masters and PHD.  They were working at the research facility with me and had come into their trust fund from Pamela; they never used it for college since they both had full rides so it sits in an account earning interest for them.”

Back to present time:

“When Gran got sick we all agreed to move back to Bon Temps.  I needed to be close to Gran and home and the boys wanted to see if you would allow them into your life.

I told them it may be a tough journey ahead but they both said they were willing to give it a try.

So here we are and I am not too sure where I stand with you, you have been awful quiet these last few minutes.

I will understand if you never want to talk to me again. Or if you need time to digest what I just told you.  I just want you to know that I have wanted you in the boy’s life for so long but every time I tried to work it out someone would throw a wrench in the works so I finally gave up.  I never stopped loving you and I hoped that one day we could be friends again.

I also want you to not blame or pass judgment on Alcide, Jason or Gran for keeping this secret from you.  It was in our boy’s best interest and every time I was threatened I retreated a little bit more from you and letting you know.

I can honestly say I was scared out of my mind that you would take them away from me.  Our boys never wanted for anything.  They were spoiled by Gran and Jackson Herveaux; he loves those boys like his own grandsons and yes I do believe he knows you are the father and he has also kept it from you too.

As for Pamela, she loves her nephews and I think she used them as a link to you since you drifted apart years ago, I think if you were to call her and invite her home to visit she would jump on the opportunity.

 I am rambling please talk to me.”

I just stared at her

I wasn’t sure what to say.  I was in awe that she didn’t lose her mind from all this.  At times it was cloak and dangers for her and at other times she was at peace.  But the one thing she never lost was the knowledge that she needed to remain strong for her boys, our boys and they are perfect from what I can see.  I am so looking forward to getting to know them but now my dilemma is how do I tell my kids.

I grasped her hand harder and looked into her eyes; all I saw was love, warmth and understanding.  I am sure she saw confusion and determination in mine.

I was determined to make this work.

I slid off the couch and kneeled in front of her.  I was still holding her hands; I wasn’t going to let her get away.

“Eric, no not yet, give it time.”

“Silly woman, I just want to look you in the eyes when I say what I have to say.  I still want to marry you, that has not changed but I will wait for the right time and propose properly.  However, know this, you are not running away again.  We will confront everyone and everything together from now on.  If you are pregnant we will deal with it together.  Are we too old for a second chance on love, family and children, HELL FUCKING NO.  But I want you to stay with me now.  I want you to move in with me now.  I want to wake up to you every day and fall asleep with you next to me every day. I want to make up for lost time and years.  I will NOT take NO for an answer.  We have a lot to talk about but first I need to get introduced better to Jackson and Jake and then I have to take my kids out for dinner.”

“Oh Eric, I am so sorry I forgot you needed to git.  This could have waited.”

“No it could not, Sook, we needed to air this out and I am sure by now Jason, Gran and Alcide are aware we are talking things out.  Do you think we could get everyone together tomorrow so we only have to go over this once?”

“For Sunday Supper?”

“Yes”

“Happy Birthday my love, I didn’t forget.”

With that declaration I leaned over and kissed her for all she was worth.

I knew I probably seemed like a pansy right about now.  Forgiving her for everything, wanting her in my life no matter what but it felt like it was right, perfect.  Be damn who thought otherwise, I was a grown up and I could make my own decisions. Maybe it was all wrong but it felt all right.

As I was pulling away from her swollen lips, the office door was flung open.

I was not expecting who was standing there in the doorway that was for sure.